Reader, I find myself in a weird ironic parallel dimension worthy of The Twilight Zone. One in which no matter what I enjoy, I always find myself as the outlier. Nerd culture is in, and yet somehow I feel like the geek excluded from the cool kids' party. Shunned for my belief that a superhero film should focus on its titular superhero and not shift always focus on Nick Fury or Tony fucking Stark.
"There he goes," the creepy village children cry with their mocking taunts, "that weirdo who thinks that just because he paid to see a Spider-Man film, the film should focus on Spider-Man's arc and not spend its first act wrapping up the previous film and bloating its cast with support characters from other semi-related films."
I went to see Spider-Man: Far From Home - the 23rd Marvel Cinematic Universe film and sequel to 2017's Spider-Man: Homecoming - at the cinema recently. And fucking hell, what a jumbled mess the fucking thing was. These Marvel films are starting to feel like beginning a TV series at season 2, episode 1: they spend half the time dealing with the fallout from the (more exciting) season finale of a film and getting re-acquainted with events.
Far From Home begins with Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson) and Maria Hill (Cobie Smulders) in Ixtenco, Mexico, investigating a storm which has destroyed the village and encounter something huge, which is later identified as an Earth Elemental. Fortunately, Quentin Beck (Jake Gyllenhaal) - a man who wears Mystic Meg's crystal ball on his head and has the superpower of travelling around in a cloud of his own farts - arrives to save the day. Then we cut to those dumb opening Marvel credits. It is that abrupt.
I hate to be the clueless girlfriend awkwardly dragged to one of these things, but was the mere sight of the Earth Elemental meant to make me disgorge streams of hot fanboy jizz? Sure, it certainly looks the business. But there's no context. No pay-off. It's like the cold-opening to an X-Files episode.
Things don't improve much once the film proper starts. Peter Parker (Tom Holland)- who in Infinity War went to the great yonder of space in a spaceship, before being turned into dust by a space tyrant – is once again back to being a dorky, high schooler. One who subverts expectations by firing the sticky, grey-white fluid out of his hands.
We essentially return to the fundamental structure of all Spider-Man films, in that Peter is once again pining after MJ (Zendaya) - aka Tumblr on legs - and grieving the loss of a father figure. Things are "different", however, as Peter’s class are due to spend the summer touring Europe (Italy, France, etc). Thus Peter is content to hang up the spandex for the summer so he can pursue a girl who probably thinks telling someone to ‘check your privilege’ is just how you say hello, and spend time with his fat friend Ned (Jacob Batalon). Ah Ned, the guy who genuinely looks like Kim Jong Un and is the comedy relief in the film where everyone speaks in fucking quips!
Peter, like most teenagers, is determined to do as little work as possible. Naturally, this means trouble finds him, as the Water Elemental just happens to attack Venice whilst Peter is there, which leads to Peter meeting Quentin Beck. Later Beck, going by the name of Mysterio, and Parker team up to defeat the Fire Elemental, which is attacking Prague (another stop on Peter’s trip). Multi-dimensional entities just so happening to be where Peter is as he is trying to shirk responsibility like it’s the trash his dead parents have asked him to take out? A shark-jumping moment you might think? Not so: for between Nick Fury and Mysterio, several forces are at work to position Peter into the right moments at the right time.
Besides, what else would the film be about? Peter Parker putting a t-shirt over his knees and practising at feeling up a pair of tits?
After the defeat of the Fire Elemental, the actual plot reveals itself and the film begins to pick up. Beck is essentially a con man: a tech nerd fired by Tony Stark, who wants to get his hands on the controls for an advanced-AI, multi-billion-dollar orbital weapons platform contained with a pair of glasses and entrusted to a teenager. Oh yeah, Peter Parker is the true underdog: he has more advanced weapons tech than the US military, has access to sci-fi jets on speed dial, a secretive spy agency supporting him, and fucking drones which can descend from the heavens to rain fire and fury upon the screaming, unsuspecting masses.
What the hell, Marvel? What happened to Tobey Maguire’s dorky, well-meaning, kid from the mean streets of New York who only had a fancy pair of pyjamas and a photojournalist job to his name? This new Spider-Man is Spider-Man for the self-centred, consumerist, Instagram generation.
Obviously, this weapons tech ends up in the hands of Beck, who immediately reveals that the Elemental business was all a ruse and that he’s not actually a superhero at all. You useless dick, Peter! I quite like Beck. He’s basically the anti-Marvel: when he rallies against the saturation of heroes, he speaks for the rest of cinema. But he also knows how piss-poor discourse is these days, and how bombastic heroes are the only way to rise a message above the white noise and fake news – because that’s all the dumb dumbs care about.
Beck – very well played here by Gyllenhaal, who brings his trademark odd intensity - is more of a thinking man’s villain. He has no powers, or even above average strength, but he knows how to exploit people’s wants and fears to overcome his shortcomings. Basically, he’s the Steve Bannon of the Marvel universe. The scenes of Peter vs Beck reflect this interesting dynamic, with the confrontations taking place in arty setpieces in which Beck seemingly bends reality, and subjects Peter to intense, prolonged attacks on his psyche.
One weak spot Beck seems to enjoy exploit is Peter Parker’s father figure issues. Christ, half the film concerns Peter’s grief at the fallen Tony Stark (don’t know why, he was a cunt); this, frankly, 16-year-old single-mother stripper’s worth of desperation for a father figure is easily exploited by Beck and directly leads to Peter aiding the villain, creating the entire plot of the film!
At the film's heart is the relationship between Beck and Parker. All the other stuff is surplus to requirements. In just one scene in this film (in a Prague bar post Fire Elemental fight), this relationship is cemented as the most genuine thing in this film. Part of that is because of Gyllenhaal and Holland's likeability. But part of it is because it is one of the few parts in the film that's not overwrought and ladden with cringe humour. And I say it's genuine, even after the rug pull: what does that tell you about the rest of the script?
That’s Far From Home in a nutshell. It’s a little exciting at times, a little compelling, a little funny, and a little fantastical. A perfectly rendered MCU film – which, after 23 films, they should be good at it by now. But the film is laden down by its baggage: too much time is spent wrapping up the deaths of several Avengers, or discussing what happened during the ‘blip’ (when Thanos snapped his fingers like a sassy black chick).
Far From Home is forced into a difficult position from the off, being the bridge between Endgame (a true cinematic event) and Phase 4 of the MCU. How do you follow up an event which has been built upon for neigh on a decade, across 22 films, featuring a nuanced, genocidal villain who seeks to wipe out half of all life in the universe? Have a villain who wants to wipe out 51% of all life?
The film does its best to fill in the gaping hole in this franchise - left by Thanos and his mighty thrusting Infinity Gauntlet - with its wimpy plot: but that’s an effort on par with dating Pasiphae after she’s learned the rampant love of a strong white bull.
The film does its best to fill in the gaping hole in this franchise - left by Thanos and his mighty thrusting Infinity Gauntlet - with its wimpy plot: but that’s an effort on par with dating Pasiphae after she’s learned the rampant love of a strong white bull.
WHAT THE FUCK! These mid-credit scenes in Marvel films are getting out of hand now. Forcing people to sit through five minutes of names to see a brief reference to the next film, is one thing. But locking an entire pivotal twist such as, oh I don’t know, Peter Parker being revealed as fucking Spider-Man behind credits is just shitty.
I would ask if Marvel had any shame, but we know they don't. They allowed Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD to be made.
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