Iron's Film Picks of 2018 Part 1 (#8 - #5)

#8 - Solo: A Star Wars Story (*)

Well, after The Last Jedi Star Wars films are back in its comfort zone of low expectations. So it should come as no surprise that Solo: A Star Wars Story, the spin-off chronicling the formative years of everyone's favourite rogue Han Solo, should scrape into this list by virtue of basically not being a steaming pile of Tauntaun turd.

It was always going to be a hard sell. A Star Wars film in which Han Solo is played by someone other than Harrison Ford? Sacrilege. Why don't you just come and piss on my Star Wars DVDs, Lucasfilm?  Alden Ehrenreich does a good job, however, reimagining the character as an arrogant, yet insecure and idealist kid. Though I just couldn’t picture his take ever becoming the ruthless and sardonic figure that blows away the bounty hunter Greedo in the Mos Eisley Cantina.

As an origin story, Solo is perfunctory. It's fine. A Wikipedia page turned into a movie: Solo explains everything about Han which hasn’t already been explored. From those golden dice of his, to how he met Chewie, to how he got the Millennium Falcon, and even the infamous Kessel run (in under 14 parsecs, 'natch). Hell, the movie even reveals how Han got his fucking surname. And it's not because he likes to whip out his guitar mid-song.

If you want an image of what modern Star Wars films excel at, then simply picture a universe made up entirely of A New Hope’s cantina. Between this and Rogue One, I'm quite enjoying these side films' focus on the characters who don't use the Force. A grim reality caught between the oppressive regime of the Empire and grotty societies where you're perpetually afraid to sit down on the public toilets.

#7 - Avengers: Infinity War/ Black Panther

I've lumped these two together because, let's face it, seen one Marvel superhero film, seen them all. Superheroes are not my usual bag, but I've been known to enjoy them on occasion. We all have our weaknesses. At least my weakness is not as lame as Superman's.

Black Panther, came first; the superhero film that might possibly win an Oscar. And isn't that just sad? Not that it wasn't good, but it's your standard superhero film - it's hardly Logan. Set in the fictional African kingdom of Wakanda - which, despite appearing as a Third World country, has technology far superior to all nations on Earth, and probably find Do They Know It's Christmas? extremely patronising - during a succession crisis. T'Challa (Chadwick Boseman) returns to Wakanda after his father's death to assume the throne, however after a load of faff T'Challa's leadership is deposed by the ruthless Killmonger (Michael B. Jordan); think The Lion King, or Hamlet.

Everyone went on about how great Killmonger was as a villain, but that's only because the bar is so low for Marvel Cinematic Universe villains. This would-be blaxploitation Hitler from the slums of California, is supposed to be compelling because 'Black Lives Matter' and we're all so fucking woke now. In fact you could level that statement at the entire film. Because, other than the afrofuturistic setting, it was the usual blend of choppy action and cheesy humour; especially whenever Martin Freeman was on screen with his pointless role as the token white. Is Black Panther a good superhero? I dunno: he look's like a S&M Batman, and has claws (amongst other vaguely defined powers).

But the only real contestant for MCU villain of the year is Thanos. In Avengers: Infinity War, Josh Brolin's first Marvel appearance this year, the focal point was the intergalactic genocidal tyrant (whose chin resembles a shrivelled ball sack). Thanos finally completed his 10 year long mission to get off his goddamn arse and complete the Infinity Gauntlet (think of a gaudier Power Glove) and annihilate half the universe. An act that'll obviously be undone by the time we get to Part 2 (because Marvel want that Black Panther money).

The interesting thing about Thanos, is that it is difficult to argue against his philosophy. He wants to create a perfect harmony in a chaotic universe. And his decision to wipe out 50% of the universe's life is understandable. Hell, in 20 years Thanos' views on overpopulation will practically be lionised.

Dubbed the most ambitious crossover event in history (someone clearly hasn't seen the Monster Squad), Infinity War is admittedly an achievement. Mostly because, during this 10 year period, none of the actors got fired for groping someone or sending a racist tweet. Well done Hollywood!

However, the film served largely to remind me how boring/crap 75% of the heroes are. Some of them didn't even get a look in. Hawkeye, who? Though Hugo Weaving's villainous Nazi, Red Skull, (albeit played by someone else) finally returns, which was nice. Personally, the characters I actually like were the ones who found themselves in the worst position (Loki, Vision, and Spider-Man, anyone?). I don't think I can take any more of Tony Stark/Iron Man (or Robert Downey Jr himself), or any of The Guardians of the Galaxy. Especially Star-Lord: I can't stand Chris Pratt, and live in fear of the day when he inevitably plays Indiana Jones.

#6 - The Endless (*)

I think this one is technically from last year, but it only came out in the UK this year so screw it; let's make like we're in a time warp and review it anyway. The Endless is low budget horror done right. However, if, like me, you watched the trailer and came into the experience expecting some truly horrifying Lovecraftian shenanigans to go down, then you're going to be disappointed. The Endless aligns itself closer to films such as Stalker, Prometheus, and Annihilation in that the primary villain is the universe's lack of fucks for humanity. Not too dissimilar to The Conservative Party, really.

I like my Lovecraftian horror with creatures so horrible it takes 50 adjectives to describe them. Not that I don’t enjoy the existential nightmare side of cosmic horror. I think once you’re old enough to realise life is a relentless parade of misery, full-time work, and paying bills, you’re certainly in the right mind to appreciate soul crushing horror.

But I'll be honest: on my first watch, I was somewhat underwhelmed with The Endless. And that's a damn shame, given just how much promise the set-up shows. Brothers Justin (Justin Benson) and Aaron (Aaron Moorhead) receive a mysterious videotape, which prompts them to revisit a UFO-obsessed death cult they escaped from ten years ago. Considering they're the sort of losers who can't hold down a proper job and reveal their cult past to girls during a first date, this probably isn't a bad option.

The film's story is difficult to unravel, but then that comes with the turf. As it goes on, less emphasis is placed on the malevolent Eldritch antagonist, which in the end is eternal life in a hippy commune so bad? Think about this though: everyone in this remote patch of American desert is caught up in an endless loop - subject to the whims of something that's either a gigantic incomprehensible-to-the-point-of-being-invisible Elder God, or the damn cosmos itself. Which is, perhaps, the best take on the depressing 9-5 grind since Dolly Parton. One guy, some early twentieth-century explorer, is caught up in a 7 second loop of perpetual death. Brutal.

#5 - Suspiria 

Remakes. They're like when your parents replace your dead pet turtle, thinking you won't notice. Only in this case, your original turtle isn't actually dead and can still be enjoyed at any time. Remaking Suspiria, Dario Argento's 1977 campy eurohorror classic, was always a risky venture. The original has - alongside The Exorcist, Psycho, and Halloween - become a standard for horror films.

Indeed, when I saw this remake (by Luca Guadagnino), I came away with the sort of confused feelings that I usually experienced after helping scout master with his 'special projects'. It's a very different beast from the original. For example, gone are the nightmarishly vivid imbibition technicolors, and prog-rock band Goblin's cacophonous soundtrack. They're replaced by a muted, winter pallet washed of any primary colours, and a melancholic and macabre soundtrack by Thom Yorke. But it's stayed with me far longer than any of other film I've seen this year, so that probably counts for something. AKA 'The Unhappy Marriage' rationalisation.

This new Suspiria is a gruelling experience, focusing on mundane details and pretentious plodding story threads about Libyan terrorists, Cold War Berlin, Nazis, and the Holocaust, that only loosely fit into this narrative about strange deaths at a dance school of feminist witches. And boy, I hope you like Tilda Swinton, in her three roles (including one as a man, because penis envy is a thing). The basic story is still the same, however: young American girl Susie (Dakota Johnson) travels to Germany to join a dance school that turns out to be a coven of witches, and people start to drop off as the coven prepare a ritual. Everything else Guadagnino does is abstract: it's like dating an imaginary girl.

The film does have its moments. Whilst it actually features less slashing and more dancing - the bastards - everything is expressed through a primal intensity. And when the film gets going it is certainly an assault on the senses - particularly one violent body horror scene early on. There's powerful grisly imagery of violent deaths, phantasms, and mutilated revenants, all set to Yorke’s macabre music. The ending is Lord of the Dance as depicted by Hieronymus Bosch.

To be continued...

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