October Nightmares IV #31: The Holy Bible (1400BC+) by Various - The Good Book?

By Sam Graham

(With contributions from Iron Criterion in green).

That's October Nightmares done. Finished forever. Threes cheers to Sam for his being the Murtaugh to my Riggs, and really helping a brother out this year. I've enjoyed ON over the last 4 years, and after 124 reviews I'm happy to put the series to bed. Following films, games, TV, and books, there's not really any other medium left for me to explore. Except for maybe cave paintings.

Enjoy.

A family cursed by the wife’s greed, 

A twin murders his brother in cold blood, 

Eviction from their perfect home, 

These events unleash a swathe of genocide and slavery that lasts for millennia, 

All of it orchestrated by an unseen being of immense power, 

It whispers into people’s hearts and persuades them to do its bidding, 

It brings famine, death, and rains fire from the skies, 

It is the father of the creator of Hell itself. 

If that sounds like the blurb for a trashy pulp horror novel, then look no further than what could arguably be the first horror novel ever written.

The Holy Bible, allegedly inscribed in 1400 B.C by Moses is not a horror novel per say, but a series of short stories with an over-arching theme and central omnipotent character that orchestrates the events. Utilizing what I like to call, The Kenobi Clause* however, there certainly are some horrifying moments that are worth talking about.

I won’t be listing every single story in this book, because frankly, you’ll never stick around that long. It’s Halloween night and you’d much rather be out terrorising your neighbours for the sake of a Pagan ritual. Instead I’ll be looking at the ones that are most popular.

After a load of backstory about the creation of light and dark, Earth and Heaven, etc, the Bible jumps in with the story of the first family. Adam and Eve had it going pretty good for themselves until they were afflicted with a curse called The Original Sin. This is all Eve’s fault, apparently, because she ate an apple. Yes, an apple. God said ‘don’t’, even thought he created the damn thing, and for her ‘crimes’, they are evicted, and the entire Human race from then on is looked on like they deserve detention.

Bet it was a green apple. A red one would have probably been alright.

-- The whole Garden of Eden saga really leaves a sour taste in my throat. It's one of the book's first proper stories, and it totally mishandles the whole 'free will vs predetermination' storyline - which is arguably the biggest theme in the whole damn thing.

So it goes: God created the Tree of Forbidden Knowledge knowing Adam and Eve would eat its fruit. He's basically setting them up to fail isn't he? And then gaslighting them, claiming that it was their choice and, consequently, their fault. That's hardly fair. That's like giving Nigel Farage a soapbox radio show and expecting him not to lie. --

The second story picks up not long after and like so many sequels set long after the original, the story follows their twin boys, Cain and Abel. Two fairly normal lads until, for no reason, Cain murders Abel with a rock like a pre-history Michael Myers, thus becoming the world’s first murderer. Is he punished by God though? Hell no. In a surprise plot twist, he goes on to shag his sister, found an entire city, and even receives a mark from God that prevents him from being murdered.

Yay karma???

Another story involves The Binding of Isaac which, before it was a blasé video game that YouTubers gush over, saw a man called Abraham being compelled to murder his son, Isaac. This happens for no other reason than God saying ‘I want you to’. Abraham puts up very little resistance to this, almost like his excuse to get rid of the brat has finally arrived. Just as he’s about to dash Isaac’s brains however, the order is rescinded and like a hillbilly throwing his hat down and shouting “dag-nabbit”, Abraham vents his frustrations on a ram.

If you think about it, it’s a pretty mean trick to pull on someone as it probably messed Isaac up for the rest of his life, but I suppose this was long before the invention of The Naughty Step. But then, towards the end, God does admit that the only reason he does this is so Abraham will fear him, so doing mean things is sort of his forte.

If Cain & Abel is the story of the first murder, then The Binding of Isaac is the story of the first child abuse.

Not long after that (in Biblical terms), there is a flood so vast that it eradicates all life on the planet, save for one family and their ship-mounted zoo. I bet when Noah first pitched the idea to his wife, she’ll have thought it was a naff gimmick, but who’s laughing now? While the story predominantly concerns itself with Noah and his family gathering animals to save (and presumably to feed the carnivores), imagine being one of the millions of people who weren’t on board? Were they all so un-redeemable that they deserved to die, or is the death of a million just a statistic?

I take this to be a spiritual sequel to Cain & Abel. One murder? Pfft, stand back and watch this.

The last story I’ll be looking at is in Exodus and concerns an empire being toppled and a king and his people being cursed, not once, but ten whole times! Christ, even Syria didn’t get it that bad. Normally when a series of bad things happen in stories they tend to start small and ramp up, keeping the reader guessing what will happen next. But here they kick off with the waters turning to blood. It doesn’t fuck around. Then it winds back a bit with frogs and insects. Pretty soon livestock and crops are dying, and before anyone has time to figure out what’s going on, the sky is raining fire and their kids are being killed in their sleep. Holy shit. You want to see some changes? Don’t hashtag about it; send some plagues.

-- Then after all this brutality, and Moses has led his people to the Promised Land (a journey during which God kills 15,000 of his chosen people for complaining) God then lays down the law in the form of The Ten Commandments. I say God, but really Moses just fucks off up a mountain for a bit and comes down with these stone tablets with rules etched into them and demands everyone does what he says. Seems a bit sketch, if you ask me. Some of these rules make sense: Don't kill, don't steal, and don't shag your neighbour's wife. But covet thy father and mother? What if your mum kills someone? What if you dad shags the hot housewife next door? --

If fans of the Bible aren’t satiated by all this killing, look no further, because there’s a sequel! Titled The New Testament, the two are usually bundled together nowadays, so you really get two books for the price of one. It’s quite a bit different though. God especially, is different. He’s not all ‘fear-inducing murder sprees’ anymore. Now he wants love from the same creatures he spent millennia terrorizing instead. It’s like God’s settled down by this point. He has a kid now, so he’s had to renounce his murderous ways. Also, as it’s written by God’s son’s fans (take a minute to suss that out), it technically makes The New Testament meta-fanfiction, but like Part 2 of Don Quixote, people have a tendency to ignore that. It’s still considered a classic in its own right however, and The New Testament has gone on to inspire some great works of art over the ages, from Da Vinci’s The Last Supper and Michelangelo’s The Last Judgement, to The Omen Trilogy and a few Megadeth songs.

-- I'd personally say that The New Testament is the superior work. The original has the advantage of being the original, but it just feels like it was thrown together from the sketches out of the back of some kid's maths book. There are giants, super-strong people who draw their strength from their hair, mega-old people, people who can part seas. It's like baby's first Warhammer Fantasy book. The New Testament is more politically centred, like fucking Game of Thrones. Instead of rad metal concepts, it focuses on a proto-socialist who tries to make the world a better place only for everyone to immediately plot his death. He's not even the safe as a baby. You know who you are, JC. --

Thematically, a lot of stories in the Bible centre on fear and control. Human characters are punished, even killed by God for next to nothing (having a dad, being around that time it rained a lot, being Egyptian). They’re constantly terrorised and made to feel unworthy, and after a while it becomes obvious that God is pretty pissed off at his creations. His taking it out on them and then telling them that he loves them is a pretty abusive relationship. If a parent did this to their child, you’d say it’s abuse. This is actually a constant plothole that runs through the entire book. Human characters being told to love God over and over, but have been treated to nothing but pain and ordered to fear him. This contradiction comes to its head when we are told that ‘There is no fear in love’.

So which is it going to be? You’ve just admitted you can’t have both.

Also, God made all mankind by creating Adam & Eve. All mankind came from them, but in Exodus, he only favours one sect of it? Why? By the book’s own volition, the Egyptians are God’s creations too.

It’s impossible to deny that the real world reaction to this book has been immense. Today it’s almost as big as Harry Potter and Star Wars combined. People have structured their entire existence around its themes (see paragraph above), but conveniently forgot about all the incest, or the part where you can’t eat shellfish (why make them then?). Entire cities have been built and wars have been waged with those who preferred their own version of the book instead like they’re a Dark Age Kirk or Picard.

-- One thing that's quite strange about this book, is that people use it to justify acting like extreme arseholes to anyone they don't like (for racial, religious, sexual, or social reasons). I can think of only one other type of book that engenders this level of unwarranted superiority: self-help books. They share about as much real-world value, too. The thing is, it's usually the people who haven't actually read this book who use it to justify their dickhead behaviour. --

Interestingly, you can use the same synopsis of ‘a book that, when people read it, it changes their life and they structure their existence around it’ to describe the play that sends people mad in The King In Yellow stories.

Coincidence?

Probably.

Stories aside, the writing style is pretty sketchy, but still manages to riff some decent verse. Heavy Metal and horror movies have built their existence of paraphrasing it ever since they started, and as the oldest book on this month’s list by a clear 3000 years, the clunky narrative is to be forgiven. Just going back 200 years you have to put up with “I could have torn him limb from limb, as the lion rends the antelope’, so extrapolate that about 15 times. It’s also safe to assume that the ‘showing, not telling’ rule of writing didn’t apply back then as the majority of the book spells it all out for the reader, mostly by telling them what to do and how to live their lives (in constant fear, mostly).

-- I know I certainly learnt fear reading this book. I remember in primary school my teacher telling us about The Immaculate Conception, and it scared the shit out of me. Some all-powerful deity who can enter your house at will and regards consent like how Trump regards international trade treaties? Bloody hell, it's like Demon Seed. It didn't matter that I was a boy. This is God. If he can get a girl pregnant without so much as jizzing inside her, I'm sure all he needs to do is click his fingers like fucking Thanos and there you go. -- 

On the whole, the Holy Bible deals with some very lofty themes, but falls short on the grand scale of things compared to say, the Cthulhu Mythos which deals with, not just Earth and Humans, but other things that live in the universe and universes beyond.

*: To talk about an incendiary topic from a certain point of view in order to see if people practice the same tolerance they preach and remember Matthew 5:44 and Luke 6:27.

Enjoyed this piece? Then 'like' The Crusades of A Critic on Facebook. Sam also has a Tech Noir novel, 'An Inside Joke', which can currently be viewed here; his first novella 'Iron Country' is available to buy here; a horror short story, 'We Must Never Found Out', published here; and finally, another short horror story 'Eagal' available to buy here. Phew.