Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Second Birthday Celebrations

As The Crusades of a Critic turns two years old today I've decided to take the day off,after all everyone else treats their birthdays as a license to do sod all. What I have chosen to do is select what I deem to be the greatest metaphors written during my two full years of ranting. Call it the greatest hits of a man living in the age where he can play a Doom Deathmatch with someone on the other side of the planet, (using 7.1 surround sound headphones) whilst on the toilet, and is still able to find something to complain about.

• Meanwhile on ITV after half a dozen documentary series chronicling Peter and Katie’s marriage we now have Peter: Going it alone,shows us how low TV has gone as ITV have actually made a program following a man who has been dumped. Wow, join the club – seriously what’s next? Peter: Takes a bath or Peter: Misses the bus to work. (Television Round Up August 2009)

• Presumably because the only time the plebeians like to see foreigners on screen is when they’re impaled on Rambo’s serrated edge. (ILS Review October 2009)

Pictured: An old Sylvester Stallone pretending to be Rambo

• It really boils down to whether you are really into the fab four or don’t have the latest editions of either series – if so then get it. Otherwise I wouldn't bother as you’ll feel robbed, bit ironic considering they’re from Liverpool... (The Beatles Rockband Review November 2009)

• Now is it just me or does the term homeboy sounds like a term an opponent of gay marriage status would suggest as a proviso? (Christ Music Review December 2009)

• Throughout the first half hour there are a multitude of flashbacks and references to the first film to try and convince us that it actually had a plot instead of being two plus hours of Edward Cullen making young girls swoon. (New Moon Review December 2009)

• The head Volturi Michael Sheen, that's his character Aro and not actually Michael Sheen, is amazed because he can't read Bella's thoughts but personally that’s because she is that gormless she isn't capable of independent thought without at least one prospective paramour around. (New Moon Review December 2009)

• Though I do weep when I see what has happened to the Human race – call me passé but 50 years ago these people would have been carted off to their nearest mental asylum for electrotherapy and given a shock greater than what George Michael experiences whenever he is in a public toilet and a cop enters. (Rant on Style January 2010)

"The News of the World hacked my phone? Oh God no...They have no idea of the horrifying depravity they have unleashed."

• Alternatively if they really are that far gone that they are unable to separate fantasy from reality then the army should recruit them and ship them off to Afghanistan “to raid the Desert of Death to obtain the power source known as oil from the mystical sand people”…(Rant on World of Warcraft Addicts January 2010)

• There are so many rules for being a socialite it’s like a fucking game of Dungeons & Dragons. (The Hills Review January 2010)

• And it doesn’t help that they have all the talent of a disabled dog and share rapping skills with your average white Anglo-Saxon protestant holding down a job in middle management. (Jedward February 2010)

• Upon hearing those lyrics I knew it was going downhill from that moment on, congruous with how black horror movie characters must feel upon discovering there is a vicious serial killer stalker their group of friends. (Taio Cruz & Kesha May 2010)

"No one has died yet? Shit...."

• And while the multiplayer is good the closest the original ever needed to involve other players was forcing your impoverished friends to watch you play on your expensive Jaguar just to see the look of jealousy on their faces, like enjoying the world’s last Twinkie in front of Sergeant Al Powell. (Aliens Vs Predator May 2010)

• Now wait just an udder fondling minute every 'diamond geezer' across the country will now be shouting in-between pouring their ninth pint of Fosters down their oesophagus; comparing football to Hitler is ludicrous they will cry - after all with a moustache like that watching sweaty young men run around chasing each other would be slightly too weird, even for him. (World Cup Madness June 2010)

• But what Jon Harris did here was have the character go into a panic attack due to the fact she has phobias of both the Hydra and Claustro variety, but because the director doesn’t try to force that sense of fear and dread onto us Elen comes across as annoying; when we should have felt as though we were using the middle urinal in-between two obese men. (The Descent Part II Review July 2010)

• Because Michael Bay has never done a single bad deed in his life *cough* Transformers 1& 2 *cough*. (Animal Abuse Rant September 2010)

• Because the doing it out of mercy argument is a mere ruse, the equivalent to the get out of jail free card from Monopoly albeit renamed “The slaughter innocent beings and lie your way out of prison card”. Also known as the being OJ Simpson rule. (Animal Abuse Rant September 2010)

• And in an attempt to sound as pithy as the show’s writers wanted to be, they couldn't have missed the point more if they followed directions from a woman reading a map. (I'm in the Band Review November 2010)

• The actual opening line of the advert ‘…Grow Your SmallDick’ (bad grammar aside for a moment) only creates the illusion that they are the Alan Titchmarsh of enhancing male genitals; not an image one wants if they wish to obtain the allusive ‘ALL-NIGHT staying power’. (Enlarging Your Penis and Other Scams November 2010)

• Despite having only being released about three months prior to time of writing there has been a twenty-three date tour announced and already four singles are available (with a fifth on the way). Christ, Tinie Tempah has already produced more singles than Gene Roddenberry. (Tinie Tempah Review January 2011)

• To put it in one of my pithy metaphors, Disc-Overy is a Sisyphean punishment like being the cleaner in a hotel which specializes in Sialorrhea sufferers. (Tinie Tempah Review January 2011)

• Rebecca Black loves Fridays and who can blame her; with the obvious exclusions of Jesus Christ, the Fishermen of the Eyemouth disaster, John F Kennedy, The Seven Bishops and The Black Watch of Canada. (Rebecca Black Review March 2011)

"Oh-ho-ho! Is funny because they all suffered misfortune of a Friday! Oh-ho-ho!"

• But when you tackle the question of which car seat to take a sit in as though it were a great philosophical mystery you are clearly taking the levels of piss required to arouse Havelock Ellis. (Rebecca Black Review March 2011)

• As the farmer waiting patiently to receive a ring swallowed by a bull might have said “Bull...shit!” (The Mechanic Review March 2011)

• As was my earlier conjecture, The Mechanic is barely functional and wastes it’s time wooing women and engaging in casual violence, just like a real Mechanic. (The Mechanic Review March 2011)

• What is there to entice sound minded individuals to spiritually bind themselves to their idea of God who is actually the ultimate bunny-boiler? He is demanding, manipulative, unreasonable but by George if you piss him off you’ll know about it; basically making him Alexandra Forrest from Fatal Attraction. (Rapture Rant May 2011)

• Which is like saying Debbie Does Dallas is not a heartwarming tale about a young woman trying to follow her dreams. (Airbourne Review June 2011)

Above: The young girls' perfect role model

• Well none except for the strip club level, because as Socrates might have said “when don’t tits feel shoe-horned in?” (Duke Nukem Forever Review July 2011)

It is strange that as I turn two I have achieved several milestones, such as reaching 100 followers and surpassing 10k in readership. So a thanks to all of my followers, especially those that have stuck with me for the past two years; if only having endure following a blog that is updated as often as nerds admit that Firefly was cancelled because it was as noteworthy as a non-cut breadloaf at a sliced bread convention. Here's to the next two years...