Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Miley Cyrus: Smells like an Awful Cover

I imagine for many children being a fan of Hannah Montana only to find out that her counterpart is whorish, arrogant and a drug user is comparable to that moment you realize Barney the Dinosaur is simply a guy in a suit, a man who probably drowns his sorrows in his Blaue Maus filled swimming pool every night. It is hard to decide what is more lamentable – the low quality ‘music’ that Miley continues to produce like a leaky sewer pipe or the fact that no matter how risqué Miley becomes her relatives and representation will continue to defend her actions like a serial killer represented by Johnnie Cochran.

Miley Cyrus has divided opinion more than a Pol Pot branded marmalade; you either hate her or love her, and if it is the latter then you are probably a child and therefore lack taste. She patented the act of singing like a cat choking on Greek yoghurt in a large tiled room and has a grin adorned on her face as though The Joker has been out on a Glasgow Smile bender. However of all her worst traits and ‘achievements’ (4chan sarcasm optional) her cover of Nirvana’s Smells like Teen Spirit really takes a drunk John Galliano to a synagogue.

Miley introduces the song as though it is the be all and end all of alternative music that everyone seems to believe it is, just like how Star Wars fans continually defend the franchise as the greatest Science Fiction saga of all time even as the ratio of the good to the dire represents that of the nitric and hydrochloric acid components in aqua regia. And what’s worse is that she has deluded herself into now believing she is a rock chick; perhaps appearing as though you’ve been stumbling through the S&M section of a sex shop during a blackout and doing a mangled Mick Jagger style dance strut across the stage does that to you.

It’s an awful rendition of an awful song, going from one extreme to another; like escaping from a Dracolich only to encounter the Tarrasque. Miley tries to copy Cobain’s slurred and guttural vocal style but just simply comes across as a drunken girl that has accidentally ended up on stage, which is probably an apt description. She experiences such difficulty in holding notes like a sweaty palmed Banjo trying to collect them in the Banjo-Kazooie video game, and changes pitch as often as Paris Hilton changes ‘best friends’. If Cobain had sung the original in such a fashion then I would have been fully sympathetic and understanding toward the reasoning behind his suicide. In fact he would be spinning in his grave right now if he didn’t fear Courtney Love would somehow be able to exploit the act to further her career.

This is very clearly an attempt by Ms Cyrus to reinvent herself as ‘grown up’, the outfits are becoming increasingly burlesque-like and she is attempting to branch herself out into songs that probably seem ‘edgy’ and ‘rebellious’ to her nine year old fan base. Personally I’m anticipating the day when Miley has an on-stage breakdown and simulates sex with an inflatable banana whilst high on weed. Its official, I need help.