Saturday, 4 September 2010

Animal Abuse Extravaganza


It certainly has been a good couple of weeks for animal cruelty, especially in backwater nations such as Bosnia and England. First there was the incident hilariously dubbed ‘The Cat Bin Woman” by various media outlets, giving the illusion of the crazy old homeless cat obsessed woman trope. The incident involved Mary Bale a 45 year old bank worker, whom resembles Father Ted (Dermot Morgan) if he wore glasses, as she took it upon herself to throw a random feline into a waste disposal bin for seemingly daring to show the spinster affection. And worst of all she violated the totalitarian waste recycling scheme that we have in England by putting a non-plastic (The Cat) into the plastic waste bin – punishable by ten years tolling in the salt mines. The cat was found 15 hours later by its owners and the proverbial cat was let out of the proverbial, erm, plastic waste bin.

CCTV footage was recovered of the woman petting the furry critter before picking it up and throwing it away like a fetus at an abortion clinic. This footage alone was all the online vigilantes who dwell in the cesspit otherwise known as 4chan needed to track down catwoman; presumably whilst furiously masturbating to images of decapitated nuns. Once she was unveiled to the world she did the old trick of issuing a public apology without really ever apologizing which I dub the Member of Parliament method. However Mary Bale would have us believe that it was done for “lulz” despite the fact that much like that aforementioned fetus we weren’t born yesterday. See there are several things wrong with her story, firstly she checked if the coast was clear at least twice before recycling the beast, showing she both understood what she was doing and that it was premeditated not spare of the moment like she had previously claimed. Secondly she stated that she thought it would be able to escape – remember this is an 8lb 13 oz and 10 inch Felis catus trapped in a 5ft tall heavy bin that we are talking about here and not sodding Battle Cat.



Despite this I do not condone the death threats that animal lovers have been dishing out like there were free night club entry leaflet distributors. Everywhere on the interwebs that has featured this story has been plagued by commentators posting messages with ironic bad lolspeak grammar such as “Strin teh bish up 4 wut she did 2 teh kitteh!” (String the bitch up for what she did to the kitten). The cat did not die or sustain serious injuries, and Mary Bale is statistically less of a public menace than Gary Lineker from the Walkers Crisps adverts. So capital punishment is a pretty over the top punishment to hand out for a crime as trivial as trivial pursuit, especially when you could force her to sit on the /b/ forum of 4chan for 15 hours instead. That is a punishment worse than death. Worse than being George Best’s alcoholics anonymous sponsor for that matter.

The other incident was a slightly more somber affair brought to us by way of Bosnia. Naturally. Video footage emerged recently of a young woman systematically throwing young pups into a fast moving string. The video caused international outrage much like laughing at a funeral, and even Michael Bay got in on the act by offering a 50,000 dollar reward for information leading to her prosecution. Because Michael Bay has never done a single bad deed in his life *cough* Transformers 1& 2 *cough*.



Seriously though, this incident is despicable and helps highlight with a luminous highlighter the inherent inhumanity of humanity – something that I mention on a fucking daily basis on Twitter (which by the way you should follow me on to get more doses of misanthropy sent directly to your frontal lobes.) The girl in question allegedly issued a follow up video issuing (surprise plot twist) an apology and an explanation trying to absolve herself from her actions. Her excuse? The puppies were ill and thus they had to be put down the cheapest way possible.

Numerous cretins online have taken her side for this very reason, and to them I present my prestigious Dickbrain award – as there are arguably numerous free and easily available execution methods, most of them less painful than her chosen method which rates on the pain scale as being close to watching an M Night Shyamalan movie. Also why did she choose to film the incident and post it online if it was truly an act of compassion? And why was she laughing and making ‘wooo’ noises like she was riding the fucking Nemesis at Alton Towers? Because the doing it out of mercy argument is a mere ruse, the equivalent to the get out of jail free card from Monopoly albeit renamed “The slaughter innocent beings and lie your way out of prison card”. Also known as the being OJ Simpson rule.



(Yes I dislike OJ Simpson.)