Taio Cruz & Kesha - Dirty Picture

When I first started blogging it felt like a moment out of a Fantasy movie, the moment were the protagonist obtains a magic sword capable of slaying his enemies; as it rendered me capable of decimating such grievances which despite hating had previously only been tortured in my mind. Taio Cruz is one subject I've been meaning to write about for some time, partially because if his latest album "Rokstarr" is anything to go by he derives his grammar from old SNES ROM translations, but mostly because his work is so steeped in faecal matter that analysing it would keep Coprologists busy for years.

His latest single Dirty Picture features everyone's favourite yapping dog Kesha (yes I am perfectly aware that she markets herself as Ke$ha but frankly the day I start using that pseudonym is the day my cerebral cortex escapes from my brain and emigrates to Dubai). Dirty Picture revolves around two lovers that are apart for reasons unknown and in a desire to ‘see’ one another decide to send erotic photographs. So in essence it is an R&B song with the subject matter of 'sexuality' - well hold your tracks there Seabiscuit because pointing out that fact is as necessary as saying H.P. Lovecraft was absolutely insane.

The problem that I have with the majority of artists in genres such as R&B, hip-hop and grime is the distinct lack of originality and imagination displayed; probably owning to the fact the single brain cell shared between their demographic is unable to grasp such concepts. Take the genre of power metal for an example of what I am referring to, song subjects can range from Dragons that plunder cheese from villages to New World Order conspiracies about menacing plants. Note the aforementioned "majority of artists" before you decide to email in examples of ground-breaking urban songs and we'll have no ad hominem either.

To begin with the song sounds capable of being a decent R&B love song about a man who misses his girlfriend; naturally all hopes of this are thrown out the proverbial window just like how the hopes of having a strong government were last night, once Taio sings the lyrics “I need to see a picture of you. A special picture just for me, yeah”. Upon hearing those lyrics I knew it was going downhill from that moment on, congruous with how black horror movie characters must feel upon discovering there is a vicious serial killer stalker their group of friends. Then these lyrics follow:

“So take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture”

You’ll notice that they are absolutely inspired and if you look to your left you’ll also notice that my arse is orbiting the moon. After the intro the song descends into the mediocrity of dance music. I cannot understand the lure of this form of music – dancing in a small dark room to repetitive noise produced by machines (apparently part of Skynet’s plan to eliminate mankind) only sounds enjoyable if you happen to be Pac-man. And even then he was constantly high. The music from the verse could be the theme to the audio-book of generic as it sounds exactly alike all the snippets of other dance songs I’ve ever heard. After those previous lyrics Taio rather bizarrely mimics a camera “snap, snap, click” regarding which Caroline Sullivan of The Guardian wrote “Cruz saves the day with British humour”. Naturally I disagree with her statement simply because I feel that she doesn’t understand the point of British humour which is meant to be cynical and embarrassing yet relatable, whereas is pretending to be a camera is more American style, i.e. more cringe worthy than being caught giving your pet dog a sensual massage.

Next are undoubtedly the worst lyrics of the entire bloody farce, they are the same low grade as the rest of the lyrics but the grammar is appalling enough to make even the meekest of English teachers throw a thesaurus;

“Whenever you are gone, I just wanna be wit ya
Please don't get me wrong, I just wanna see a picture”

Actually a fun game you can play with your associates – every time you stumble upon incorrect grammar and spelling in the lyrics detract further points from your faith of Humanity, I personally guarantee reaching misanthropy by the end is achievable. The next four lines of that verse, simply alternate between “Take a dirty picture for me” and “Take a dirty picture for me” followed by Kesha parroting the previous verse in her best sex call line voice. A compressed version of the intro is played for the next verse and then taking cues from shampoo packaging the formula closely repeats itself.

Dirty Picture is a perfect example of elementary music, streamlined to maximize its potential catchiness at the cost of a soul however – something which should be christened ‘The David Cameron’. Being catchy doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good, after all on the list of highly recommended things I doubt Cholera peaks. So overall a mind numbingly tedious song that'll probably leave you feeling filthy long after listening to it, as though you've just taken a mud bath with Mother Teresa.