Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Metro Station Album Review

Just in case the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana didn’t completely drive you insane I’m going to review Metro station, the debut album from the latest corporate made pop rock band – Metro Station; designed to appeal to teenage girls and confused boys who will probably end up murdering their entire families. Much of the band’s ‘fame’ comes from the fact Miley Cyrus’s older brother Trace is the band’s lead guitarist. So here are ten tracks or 30 minutes of pure torture that would make waterboarding seem like heaven in comparison.

The band belongs to a genre I like to call ‘Fag rock’, which includes the Jonas Brothers, Panic at the Disco, My Chemical Romance, Fallout Boy, Busted, Good Charlotte, and anything involving middle class effeminate teenagers. Though perhaps I am being unfair to the likes of the Jonas Brothers because at least they realise what they are unlike Trace Cyrus who acts like a big rock star –long hair, body covered in tattoos and is a general dick. He is no Flea, he is more of an Amoeba. A man who thinks he is Mr Metal but probably thinks death metal is what old people listen to. His ego is that terrifyingly big it should legally be declared a WMD; making him the type of person you wish had been wanked into a tissue and flushed away.

The other members include Mason Musso – the lead vocalist who by all accounts sounds like a cat caught in a garbage disposal unit. He is also the rhythm guitarist an utterly pointless role considering the point of a second guitarist is to give the songs more depth but even with Mason the songs have as much depth as Jordan’s personality. The other two – Blake Healy (synthesizers, keyboards) and Anthony Improgo (Percussion, Drums) are average and don’t really stand out so there’s not much I can say about them; besides they have to live with the shame of being in Metro Station.

As to why they are called Metro Station – I’m not entirely sure but I suspect they could be a tribute band to John Duffy and David Mulcahy AKA the Railway Rapists. Why? Well the song ‘Shake it’ has the following lyrics:

‘I’ll take you home,
If you don’t leave me at the front door,
Your body’s cold
But girl, we’re getting so warm
And I was thinking of ways
That I could get inside’

An extract taken right from the pages of ‘The dummies guide to: Date Rape’.

Furthermore one of the albums other singles ‘Seventeen Forever’ which according to Trace Cyrus is about “wanting to be in a relationship with a girl who’s underage so bad and how age limitations don’t let you do that”. What!? That’s called pedophilia my friend, and the fact that the band is aimed at underage girls who make the majority of their fans is like leaving Rosemary West in charge of The Young Women Youth Organisation. If I was ever asked to present a case for chemical castration, I would just use this album as my point. Let’s look at some of the song’s lyrics shall we;

‘We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight
You are young and I was scared
You're wise beyond your years
But I don't care
And I can feel your heartbeat
You know exactly where to take me’

It’s genuinely creepy to listen to, not least because you feel like you’re an accomplice to his crimes and fear getting carted off by the FBI. Even more disturbing is the fact that the general tone of the song makes it seem as if we are supposed to sympathize the fact he is trying to seduce an underage girl.

Their song ‘Disco’ really confirms this band’s vileness, for a song about someone feeling suicidal it's pretty fucking jolly and upbeat much like the rest of their repertoire, this song could have been their saving grace if they had just put a little bit of conviction into it. So while Mason may be singing:

‘I know you're sleeping all alone
You feel suicidal
Now you're dying to get out
But do?
Do you feel it in your veins
The poison rushing through?
But can't you see it in your heart
I'm still there for you?’

The music plays like some kind of electro pop scene disco were everyone is having the time of their lives. But does this surprise me? Not even an iota because these are the type of people who are too arrogant to experiment with their style, in fact I can’t even be bothered to review this band any more – if you want to know what the other seven tracks are like then copy and paste all my previous statements seven times or go buy the album you weirdo.

You may be feeling for an album review it is a little devoid of an actual review of the music, but it’s Metro station for God’s sake, their style of playing is about as technical as a pots and pans robot. You’re not going to find power chords or tremolo picking and the only shredding they do involves a paper shredder. I could honestly play their songs just by looking at the fret board and blowing and I’m not even a guitarist. Also is it just me or does their music actually sound like it should be from a futuristic porn film?

All in all I really didn’t like the album – shocking I know, but the reason I hate the album and the band isn’t because I’m intolerant of other music genres since I can tolerate even RnB and Dance – as long as it stays the required 100 yards away at all times. The real reason is that being a Rock enthusiast it angers me that bands like these dilute the genre until its nothing but piss all in the name of profit. Here is a thought to end with, the Cyrus family may have already beaten my favourite band of all time (Megadeth) once before when Billy Ray beat Megadeth’s Countdown to Extinction to the number one spot with his ‘Achy Breaky Heart’; but if the upcoming ‘Endgame’ doesn’t outsell Metro station’s album I will realise there is no hope for Humanity and go live in the wilderness emerging once fortnightly to feed on scene kids.