Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Brokencyde Review

In my diligent quest to review all that is wrong with our culture I have never actually come across anything that has left me speechless – until now. At my friend’s house recently we stumbled upon a music video while browsing Youtube, the video was the song ‘Freaxxx’ by the band Brokencyde who you won’t have heard of. The song is the closest thing to an audio holocaust as there ever will be, it is literally indescribable like watching a thousand puppies burn – but I will attempt to do so for your benefit.

First as always a little bit of background, the ‘band’ is obviously American the only culture on Earth that would allow such atrocities, and they apparently belong to the screamo-crunk genre. For those of you fortunate to be ignorant as to what this is, it’s the fusion of the screamo and crunk music genres; with screamo being a bunch of emos screaming lyrics like drunken hobos with sore throats (but if done well can sound perfectly acceptable, see Bullet For My Valentine for example) and crunk is a style of music that originated from Southern Hip Hop, characterised by being shit. At any rate mixing the two together makes a disgusting mess which is the audio equivalent of Mickey Rourke’s face.

The members of this abomination all have hip-cool names such as: Se7en (being cool obviously makes him illiterate) who does the screamo and rap vocals, Mik1 (which doesn't even make sense) he is responsible for the auto clean vocals, Phat J (or with a name like that - 90’s man) despite having a silly name that would shame even Don Quixote - PJ is the only one with any talent, since he does all the synth and guitar work as well as the beats, back up vocals/screams; which is still nothing to be proud of. Lastly we have Antz – real name Anthony, wow I see what they did there; his job is to work the fog machine and lights so really he is a tech which doesn’t make him a fucking band member; he is more part of the fucking crew. If the crew counted as being in the band then bands such as Iron Maiden would have upwards of 100 members. Their record label is ‘Break silence recordings/suburban noise records’ who either have a strange sense of humour or are trying to bring down the music industry from the inside; either way the music moguls can’t honestly find Brokencyde talented when the parrot in my local pet store sounds like Pavarotti in comparison.

Getting back to the point, Freaxxx or ‘a sad social commentary on the state of American culture’ as it should be known. Opening like a typical rap video, i.e. mansions, flash cars, semi naked women and a generic/repetitive beat we discover the artists are middle class scene freaks rapping, screaming, sneezing about their sexual prowess when it is obvious the only time they have had sex is with their hands. If that wasn’t ridiculous enough while Mik1 is rapping the little hamster that is se7en just stands next to him screaming like some fucking mental patient who has forgotten to take his medication. Those of you not yet shamed to death will be delighted to know it actually gets worse, not content with merely rapping Mik1 always ends the ‘chorus’ in some high pitched RnB singing style reminiscent of Usher having his nads driven over by a combine harvester. But all of the above could prepare me for the part were se7en actually sings; considering he does the screamo vocals it would be fair to assume his voice should be deep but that’s not the case. Amazingly Mik1 has the deeper voice; with se7en making Michael Jackson sound as deep as James Hetfield.

Essentially this is their fantasies transformed into song, fantasies in which they’re sexually appealing to the female of the species who naturally are uninhibited. For example examine the following, lyrics:

I walked into the club looking kinda sexy now.
I see these shorties in the corner, they started making out.
They pull there panties down,
And take their pants off.

You’ll probably notice that apart from being astoundingly awful there are several other cringe worthy aspects. Firstly what on God’s green Earth does ‘kinda sexy now’ mean, other than being a sign of bad grammar (and who would refer to themselves in that manner?). Secondly the whole situation is so ludicrous that it would be rejected by every single porn film for being unfeasible, and while I’m making this point how is it possible to pull your panties down before you’ve removed your pants? Whilst I am being obnoxious, this is such a genuine mystery to me that I am going to hire Patrick Stewart's Professor Ian Hood character to solve it for me.

"The madness exhibited in that hypothetical situation is on par with the madness that spurred Macbeth into committing regicide." - Official verdict.

Mik1 then proceeds to state:

I got some bottles in the caddy we can open up,
Let’s get drunk tonight, baby we don’t have to fuck.
And bring your friend along, maybe we can have some fun.

Wow, I would be amazed if any woman could withstand his charms, but in all fairness he is much more relaxed compared to that prick Se7en who is basically a sexual predator suffering from a superiority complex. In the part were he attempts to sing he demonstrates his seduction technique which is inspired by the no means yes method.

I got those bitches all tipsy trying to sex me.
I know they want it, alcoholics are some sex freaks.
This ex and chronic gots me wanting to get messy
So let’s get messy girls, come on let’s go get messy girls.
Come on bitch you know you want this.
That hardcore shit will make you feel the toxic.

While he shows the world he is as educated as Stig of the dump by confusing alcoholism with merely having a few too many and using lyrics such as ‘gots’, he is accurate in his belief that only drunk females would try to…'sex him' – in his words. I sure hope his mum doesn’t see this as she will have to ground him for at least two weeks. The rest of his section is a catalogue for the shallow and diminutive, all about Rolex watches and Bentley coups; things that derive virtually no interest from me and the rest of the real world. But his crowning moment of glory is:

If you want me baby fill me in ‘cause I don’t waste my time with lesbians

I mean come on, how arrogant do you have to be to pen shit like this? I suppose girls are supposed to laugh and think of him as incredibly charming and witty rather than what he actually is; a passive aggressive misogynist. His delusion of himself is so out of control it could probably take on the entire Olympian race single handily without even breaking a sweat.

"Why is the ego resembling being heading towards us?"

Towards the end of the song it spirals downwards on a helter skelter of insanity. At approximately the two minute mark it transforms into the most surreal moment ever filmed and to be truly appreciated needs to be seen first hand. Put simply a variety of the 'eye candy' that previously loitered the video simply stand attempting to retain whatever scraps of dignity still remain while Se7en and Phat J scream ‘Liar’ in their faces. Utterly beyond belief and wouldn’t be out of place in a Silent Hill game. After this song’s tone changes entirely, matching the creepy schizophrenic predator feel that hangs around the rest of the song like a bad smell. Suddenly they start singing:

Oh baby, why did you lie to me?
I can’t play no more games.
These thoughts are slowly controlling me.
You’re turning off the flames.

The only conclusion I could come up with is that he just discovered his victim, sorry ‘date’ lied about her age and/or original gender. The song ends with:

So GO baby GO baby.
You don’t want me?
So GO baby GO baby.
Come and get me.

This is repeated several times, and doesn’t really make sense. But I guess there’s no use in trying to analyse horse manure.

Obviously before I did the research I assumed it wasn’t serious, but I saw they had other videos on Youtube such as a cover of ‘Flo rida’s Low’ – a song that caused me to convulse when I first heard it. You know the song, it’s the one that starts like a stock description of a typical sports store. However not even my experiences with Flo rida’s version and Freaxxx was enough mental preparation for this concentrated piece of spasticated shite. The song is sung entirely in screamo which in places is so fast it becomes incomprehensible – the whole overall effect resembling Regan MacNeil from the Exorcist on speed. Flo rida will be rolling in his grave in a few months when he meets the inevitable end of the rapper. I’m ashamed to admit I prefer the original version because at least it was understandable and he attempted to sing. Also it's fair game when rappers rap about ‘shorties’ and gold plated limo shaped toilet seats since in their culture they are the definition of cool; whereas these prats probably still have a ten o’clock bed time.

Although I loaded my sniper rifle with bullets of verbal hate so I could take pot-shots at the fan boys on Youtube I will agree with a statement written by a 'fan', who probably typed it whilst screaming at his PC. He basically stated that Brokencyde are the epitome of American culture, though I believe he intended his comments as praise whereas I take it as sad fact. This helps support my argument for why the Americans should be exterminated but I feel with being ignorant, obese and downright annoying they have already suffered enough to last more lifetimes than you can shake a Tibetan Buddhist at. Bands such as this are a disgusting piss stain on the underpants of the music industry, much like how Germany’s Nazi past is to modern Germany. Those who enjoy this music should be beaten within an inch of their lives...whilst being screamed at.