Twilight and New Moon Trailer Review

I intended to start this review in an intellectual and therefore respectable manner – commenting on what it takes to create a phenomenon. However, after searching the intrepid depths of hell - or Google, as you may know it - I was unable to find quotes from self-professed ‘boffins’ that worked in context. As you can tell I’m not very good at this whole reviewer business, but the show must go on. I’ll start by sharing my beliefs on the easiest way to create a phenomenon: which is appealing to the losers or, if I’m being PC, the underdogs.

A large percentage of the world’s population consists of emotionally crippled losers, who probably smell of old cabbages. If you can appeal to them and make them feel good about themselves, you will make so much money that even God will find you attractive. For example, if you’re trying to appeal to the nerds then normally the zombie/ninja/pirate/alien route is the best way to go, and it helps to ensure your audience will end up seeing more breasts than a back street plastic surgeon. You could also target, like the strange man I see wandering the park does, teenage emo girls that hold on to the belief they will meet the perfect guy and live happy ever after (before waking up).

Hence the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, which currently consists of four novels (and one film with the second on its way) about angst-filled vampires; because the emo culture is in, though I wouldn’t know since I still live in the 80’s. The series is apparently popular with ‘young adults’, which is a more sophisticated way of saying 12 year old girls, and boys who spend more time in the closet then Aslan. One of the reasons I dislike the series is that it takes the vampire mythos behind the shed and shoots it, creating bloody mangled giblets which it the sells to the unwashed masses. Another reason is that angsty emo culture is to me what myxomatosis is to rabbits.

Since I am reviewing the film Twilight and the hype surrounding New Moon, not the novel series as a whole, I will quickly evaluate the series covering as much as a thong worn by an elephant. There are currently four books - Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn - in the series which revolve around a social outcast named Isabella ‘Bella’ Swan who moves to Forks, Washington and falls for the ‘cool’ outsider Edward Cullen. Presumably because he is the only boy that spoke to her without adding ‘I only wanted to know what time the bus was’. The problem is he is a vampire; don’t you just hate it when that happens? But don’t worry, he is a vegetarian vampire.

Edward is part of a coven of fellow vegetarian vampires, and I know what you are thinking: well, a vegetarian vampire is one that drinks animal’s blood rather than a human’s, right? It would have been a better idea to have the losers stalking allotments during the night, pouncing on Carrots and sucking away its juices. Bella and Edward eventually fall in love, and Edward defends her from evil bloodsuckers A.K.A. the proper vampires. In later books there are werewolves, armies of ‘new born’ vampires (whatever that means), and a powerful coven of vampires called the Volturi.

Got all that? Good me neither. If you want to know more then go and buy the books, cause I’m sure not going to read them just to provide you with a more detailed synopsis. I did however watch the movie. Thrice. You may argue that I have no right to complain, as it is entirely my own choice to review the movie with this being a hobby not a career means there’s no professional obligation involved. If this is your standpoint, please proceed to lash yourself with rusty bike chains, since this movie needs to be injected with deadly venom and I am willing to do just that.

Steering this horse back on the track to the glue factory, you may have already guessed what the first film is about – basically setting up the characters and their relationships for the rest of this sorry saga. The story begins when Bella (Kristen Stewart), has to leave her hometown of Phoenix, Arizona after her mother Renee (Sarah Clarke) marries a minor league baseball player Phil Dwyer (Matt Bushell). She goes to live with her father Charlie (Billy Burke). At her new school she befriends several weirdos; Angela Weber, Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley, Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie - all of whom are even stranger then the vamps. We also meet Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), who apparently is revealed to be a werewolf in later novels.

We are introduced to the younger tier of Cullen family about ten minutes into the film. Things get off to a flying start when it is revealed they are all adopted and have relations with each other; a revelation equivalent to going for a job interview only to find yourself in front of the Council of the Suprema. At this point in the film we have; Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) who is probably one of the more normal Cullens with the ability to see into the future only after a decision has been made – about as much use as being able to read the thoughts of a can of Dr Pepper. She is in a relationship with Jasper (Jackson Rathbone), the vampire with a constant facial expression reminiscent of realising he is allergic to peanuts halfway through a peanut butter sandwich.

Next up is Rosalie (Nikki Reed) the bitch of the clan, and extremely vain for someone who is essentially a walking corpse - not unlike Janice Dickinson. Emmet (Kellan Lutz) is married to Rosalie and is a joker, minus actually being funny. Last, and certainly least, the main man Edward (Robert Pattinson); apparently amazingly beautiful according to all of Bella’s classmates but as he is so pale with amber eyes I personally think he looks like a milk bottle with two golden sequins attached.

Most of the Cullens are bearable because they have some life in their personalities - such as Alice the bubbly optimist. I can even tolerate Rosalie who is up herself to such an extent she could probably remove her own tonsils if she ever had tonsillitis. The only one of the bunch we are introduced to that I dislike with an obsessive compulsion is Edward.

When I was watching the film I tried tolerating him as I knew it would be necessary since he was obviously going to have more screen time then Arnold Schwarzenegger in Around the World in 80 Days, but he is genuinely unlikable. His personality is inconsistent resembling an indecisive schizophrenic on The Generation Game. One moment he is cold and shuns Bella, the next he is in ‘love’ with her. Also, most of his dialogue is so cheesy you could probably put the script on your toast. Take these 'classics', (to Bella) ‘you are my life now’, and ‘I hate you for making me want you so much’.

Later on we are introduced to Dr Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli) who is the leader of the Cullen clan; Edward’s adopted father and a doctor in Folks. A vote of confidence if you go for a check-up only to be treated by somebody who looks as healthy as Vic Rattlehead. Finally, Edward’s adopted mother Esme (Elizabeth Reaser) who is notable for being an utterly generic mother figure with the exception that she is a vampire.

The majority of the angst Bella is responsible for: ‘Death is peaceful - easy. Life is harder,’ and ‘I'm dying already. Every second I get closer, older’. Somebody pass the cyanide. As you may have guessed, the script is as painful as a shrapnel enema. The attempts at humour feel forced for the most part, and the rest of the dialogue is either gloomy or cheesy.

I haven’t read the books but I imagine they are just as bad. The movie keeps insisting that Edward is beautiful; it wants us to accept that objectivity as fact, regardless of how we feel. Just like how football fans try to convince us a footballer could possibly be worth 80 million.

There were several aspects of the film that I found indignant; firstly, that it ignores the traditional mythology. Vampires in the Twilight universe can apparently gain the same benefits from drinking animal's blood instead of human's. And instead of being fatal, sunlight just makes vampires shine like a crazy diamond. Also they aren't played by Christopher Lee. The story does attempt to modernise the vampire tale, true, but what we end up with is ‘Bram Stoker’s One Tree Hill’ -combining typical teenage issues with the supernatural.

The story is extremely unbelievable in places, even for such a ludicrous idea. Bella expresses only mild shock upon learning that Edward is a vampire. And when Edward admits he desires to kill her she just simply retorts that she trusts him: which is as witless as allowing Jeffrey Dahmer to run the Gay Pride movement. I found the film to be one of the worst edited/directed (for such a mainstream film), because there are several instances where the crew or equipment are clearly visible. I noticed these errors on my first viewing - making it unforgivable.

There are a few make-up errors too, which I point out at the risk of being mocked by my more manly peers whose reviews would probably include a cleavage-rating contest. The vampires are supposed to be whiter then Vanilla Ice - which is obviously the job of the make-up department who, like Richard Nixon, made a few honest mistakes; such as missing patches of skin leaving an uneven complexion. But pointing out such discrepancies is irrelevant since I’ve condemned the entire film – I mean you don’t go to a badly organised wake and complain the food is substandard.

Am I the only one who finds the relationship between Bella and Edward creepy, since he is officially over 100 years old yet he is dating a school girl? When my dad left my family for a 19 year old it was clearly a midlife crisis and quite disgusting, but I would like to see my dad beat that in terms of creepiness. Secondly, do I dare cry Necrophilia? I mean he is technically dead and it’s not like she can use the ‘not illegal if it’s still warm’ excuse because it is established that Edward is colder the Boomerang Nebula.

Finally a quick mention of the hype surrounding New Moon, or Twilight 2, a short time ago a trailer was released, and I have never seen so much excitement over 110 seconds of film. Well a notable exception is when the nerds descend on the latest Machinima video.

It seems this time round there is also a pack of werewolves; I’ll look forward for the werewolf mythos being ruined as well, thank you very much Stephanie Meyer. The focus for the new movie is on Edward and Bella’s break up, but obviously they will get back together since happy endings are for girls, which is the saga’s main demographic. An acquaintance, who I refuse to publicly acknowledge, gave the delightful description – ‘it’s crack in movie form’. So, with that in mind, I will conclude by issuing the following warning, those that go to see New Moon will end up down some back ally pleasing an elderly gentleman just so they can get money to satisfy their fix of seeing the film for another time, like a typical crack whore. And if you like the sound of that, I recommend you see New Moon. And that you stay at least 5 miles away from me at all times...