Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Comments on My Own Mugging

Recently I was unfortunately involved in a mugging and, before you say something, no I wasn't the mugger. Whilst certainly a frightening experience, it has since been twisted in the battlefield of hatred that is my mind. So Mr Mugger if you are reading (which I very much doubt is in your capabilities), this is my revenge to you.

The mugging itself was straight out of a 'dummies guide', with it being how you would expect a mugging, i.e. some berk demanding things he has no right to in the first place -kind of like an imperialist government. Well if he was like an imperialistic government then clearly it'd be one run like Mussolini's, as the fool had no idea of the worth of my possessions; taking my wrist bands and dog tag necklace - a totalling value of around £7.50 (brand new, that is). Was that really worth your time sunshine? Next time please take my boxers as well, you might be able to make an extra 50p! He also demanded my phone, which despite my reliance on it, probably wasn't worth stealing as I was given that phone by the T-Rex's grandfather. The only thing of real value he got was my watch but - whilst not wishing to be discriminatory - the likely hood of him and his associates being able to tell the time on an analogue watch with no numbers, is as likely as finding the Holy Grail.

All this started because I made the decision not to 'lend' him a pound for (insert generic begging story), though the reason for this was due to me not having any change and not because I'm entertained by seeing the destitute suffer. And you know what, if I don't want to give MY money away like it's going out of fashion, that's entirely MY choice - not that he felt that. Clearly he had a psychic link to the inside of my jean's pocket, as he seemed to know that it was full of money, despite the fact I clearly recall not putting any change in there at all; but he would know better than me. He didn't even say please or thank you, and had the diplomacy skills of Napoleon; but the main aspect of the whole experience that left a sour taste was his handling of the situation. I know he is the mugger and that he is expected to be the one controlling the events, but please don't tell me how to undo my own chain, nor give me detailed instructions of how to carefully remove my phone from my jeans pocket; I know I'm new at this, but I doubt I'm completely useless.

So let me just conclude by saying I'm not a violent person, but I will break dance naked in celebration if I discover you have fallen down a flight of stairs made of justice and irony.